hmmm..[070105,2159hr] quite a new year. more people are dying. sometimes i dunno if it's God's will to remind me,' hey, u can die any moment in your life u wouldnt even get to think abt it.' yet i still stay as stubborn. maybe it should be a lesson learnt. what's good about feeling scared and paranoid abt it and not doign about it right? hmmm.. thought to ponder.

stuff are getting along fine in camp. still doing graphics and stuff. quite cool. i like it here. enjoying yet not enjoying? i 'm getting used to it. i think i'm nearly there to signing that form.

gonna take up my bike license soon. hopefully soon. i hope to finish it by july. commission.

a few more things. found this cool webby. i dunno what the hell is it. just liek the way the screen interface moves in the game. i wanna do somethign liek that.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/spooks/games/index.shtml

besides that, everybody shoudl take care of themselves. sometimes i tend to do things alone. guess i should just stay that way. i'm starting to miss someone. but we're just friends. no nothign whatever. just miss her. :D

Merry Christmas to you[251204,0823hr] here i am in camp.. listening to hazz online as she does her stuff in the airwaves. just to remind u today is christmas and a public holiday. but what to do? i get to be in camp doing duty. extra lah. kinda my fault too. anyway, waking up at 5 is so routine nowadays. wasnt really rushing to go back today. sometimes people should turn to look at the positive side of life. well, i might not be at home resting now but it's a very peaceful day today here in camp. no biggies ard. best if we get that peaceful nice day out in the sun. finally u dont have to hurry here and there or think of whether what time i'm bokoing in or booking out or what's next on the list. guess it's time for some self reflection.

had a nice time talking on the fone last night with someone. dunno why. but kinda miss her. haha. well i miss everyone dont i? hehe. well she's a beauty in my own eyes. certain things where u just noe when and where to pull my strings. hehe. lovely.

new year's resolutions:
1. driving license before 2006
2. commission definitely as someoen better

and a few more others i cant remember what. must be this fork in my head. *tugs* dear.. wanna pull it out for me?

shutting down??[141104,0059hr] i find my blog rather non constructive anymore. i'm thinking of shutting it down. this is probably gonna be my last entry. i'll change the interface soon if i have the time. i see it only once a week. might as well i have a wirtten diary to write all my stuff in. that's what i'll do i guess. i just wish i have gorgeous handwriting. nevermind. things have been good. things are starting to move but i still feel lonely. i need comfort. and i've lost that comfort. i've gotta lie down on these jagged rocks for now. one of the most amusing facts i've found out this week: i havent been smiling for a long time. i mean people know me as a smiley person. the past few months has been a non smiley period for me. even i didnt realise that. people had to tell me i'm not smiling alot. that's how bad it is. i found that rather amusing.. but disturbing. i guess this is wat lying on these rocks makes me. i'll try to be happier. i'm still dependent emotionally. i still need someone to help me. that someone will come they say. will she? sometimes i feel i'm not moving anywhere after the past. i see her always having someone there but i'm not even moving anywhere. sometimes i feel so cold inside. it's starting to show outside. i wonder how bad this is gonna turn out. maybe i'll keep this blog. plainly for this heart of mine.

home[101104,2214hr] i'm back on the net and tomorrow's deepavali. public holiday. but gotta book in at night. the usual. urgh. somehow these days i've been feeling really lonely. the situation ard me makes me feel like the older i get the lonelier it's gonna be. i seem to be narrowing down the social circle i've got besides my mates in camp. smart smart people. my mind's really a retard in camp. things seems to be going along fine but i still find it damn hard to multi task. am i really being made to single task?

this week feels good. hope next week dont be too stressful. the past weeks been mental torture to me. even had nightmares. if not for you, i think it's gonna make things worst. everyday i wake up and i look at my noticeboard and i see ur picture and a few others i think abt what u told me and how much u want me to get well again. how much u dont wanna lose a friend. :) the reason my life is worth living everyday is because of friends like u dear. friends i have a few, close friends i have even lesser. i put up the pictures on my noticeboard to remind myself everyday these are the people whom i'll trust 99.99%. i'll cherish all of you for life.

back on the net.. for one minute.[021104,1824hr] net's down at home so i gotta wait for a whiel to get back up. shyte. i'm in camp now and i've already accomplish and learn a whole lot of new thigns about myself here in OCS. I like it here. yeah. times might be tough. but we'll all get through it. if someone else can do it. why cant i? right? i keep these thoughts everyday i feel down. self-motivation is a huge factor in me. it can bring me all the way down. or bring it all the way up. realised that some time ago. i enjoy being the CWC of my wing. it's a responsibility. getting used to it.. but sadly i'll have to let it go. give someone else a chance to go at it. whatever it is i'll try my best. anywhere. everywhere.

"i still want a girlfriend" -last words out of the chamber. p/s i'm shrinking. i just lost more weight. hahaha. ok. hope to post a new pic up though. when i have the time. til then hang on everyone. take care. i'll beback. msg me. :)

cant help it[031004,1731hr] i'm feelign rather down the past couple of days. i guess coz i'm gonna leave for camp tomorrow. i dunno why it gets to me. but it gets to me. you might never know when ur gonna go away u know. who knows if they're coming back? i dont think the 2nd sgt knew he's meeting with death was having his head dunked into water. you'll never know. that's why i try to see all the love ones in my life before i go anywhere for a long period. u'll just never know. well, this entry may sound like a goodbye note. i'm not gonna commit suicide or waht, but i just miss those dearest ard me. some of you i dont get to see, well if i die, will i just be another memory? yeah. reason why i wanna see u guys coz at least if i die, i'd get to see u for the last time. :) ah well, seperation's always a part of life. at least not before a big huge hug and a sweet and lovely goodbye.

conspiracy against me[011004,0210hr] why is it that when i'm free everyone else isnt? i guess it happens to everyone. somehow time is meant not to be met that way. i guess what we're supposed to do is make time for each other. hmmm.. no matter how slim the time frame is.. even that good 5 mins is enough to make someone's day. i guess it's all about sacrifice. times like these i wish i have a girlfriend. urgh. have i been making time for my friends? have i been making time for the people i love? i'm not sure. u tell me. i think i have been doing it subconsciously. just that maybe people realise it and people dont. so u tell me if what i'm doing is good. have we been doing what should have been done?

guess it's time to say goodbye soon. leaving for ocs. the moment i come home it'll be family day entire day. and since it's gonna be the fasting month too, i guess we're not going out guys. well, there's always after hari raya. that's 1 month plus away. so see u guys in 1 month 2 weeks time. :) to lat, dont miss me. hehe. gonna so miss a whole lot of people. hugs to all of u. dearest friends i'll ever have. :) now find me a gf.

why does it always happen that way?[270904,2240hr] i need some magic. someone give me some magic.

ok.[270904,0050hr] realised i talk a lot of crap when i am not thinking straight. dont ask me abt what i wrote the last 2 entries. that's exactly how my mind is reading the lines. cant think straight.

kaulah hanya mimpi bagiku.. tak untuk jadi nyata. -utopia

questions and answers[270904,0017hr] did a couple of thigns today. got things cleared out with the canon dvfest thing. went to town. walked all ard with not enough money. how more irritating can that be. so yeah. starve. even though after eating lunch. by evening we were starved.

anyway, a lot of questions were blown into my head today. a few things i hardly thought of. a few things i hardly know of. a few things i didnt even realise. strange. felt strange feelings just now. nervous and everythign. so entah.. heart pumping hard i dunno what to say what to do. you make me feel all awry. cant help it. a bit touchy too today. i dunno what's got into me. i think we're really meant for each other lah. our fate to meet each other. as friends. coz that's how i love u soooo much. ehhe.

sometimes i wish people would understand us someday. mayeb we shoudl get together for a while. make them happy. then become friends again. soemtimes it's so ouch to feel people think we're a couple. or were a couple. especially if it's someone ur self is attracted to. *ouch* do we really look like that? 2 gal frens i truly truly looove as friends.. you and you. :D *hugs* thanx so much for being close to me.

irritating bastard[270904,0007hr] i finally found out how to deal with swell headed people. just dont fucking bother. know when to get out of the fuckign situation. i swear it's because of this person. actually not just this person. i dont like people who thinks they're always right even though they themselves arent sure of it. fuck confidence. what's confidence without structure? yeah. swell headed persona. i dunno why as u grow older the world seems to be a fuckign retarded place with fuckign annoying people and fucking irritable bastards. the younger u are, the less u see of these people. i used to be so naive of things. i wanna see the world as a happy place. but i think i've given up hope on making it one for everyone. coz some people dont deserve to live in a happy place. why? coz they live in their own world. i dunno how they got stuck here anyway. tactics to avoid further confrontation? when they start talkign like they're some big shot. give them the i dont bother face and just ignore. they will realise they are being ignored and they will stop thinking too highly of themselves. i cant believe these kinda people actually exists amongst me. and come to hear i have to see these faces everyday. fuck. when i'm out at work as well as when i'm at home. government.. post me somewhere i dont get to see his face and i get to go back only weekends where i will be out most of the time and not see someone else's at home. please oh please. i need my level headed friends here pls.

unwell[230904,2342] been sick for the past 2 days. really cant think of anythign to commetn except for being sick. the reason i aint that productive. was scraping to work today. every minute without anything to do was hell. well all's gonna end next week. hope i get into ocs or sispec. the draw date is coming nearer. 0_0~ but even if i dont get in.. i'm really looking forward to having my combat medic course. :) somehow it's a lil less demanding i must say. hope things go well. starting to get used to the place. whereever i go, it doesnt really matter. as long as i make full use of it everyday.

what else can go wrong?[200904,0047hr] somehow today seemed like a cursed day. everyone's not feeling right. that's everyone i saw, heard, talked to, love. even myself. everyone's bothered about something. everyone's crying. everyone's sayign how today sucked. i really hope tomorrow's a better day. all i want to see is a smile on someone's face on this day. seeing u smile makes me so much better today. i really do not know what else could go wrong. good enough today's over. so go sleep my dear. have a gd rest tonight. while i go fix the broken down happy machine. so tomorrow wont be gloomy as today. :) oh yeah.. it rained the entire day today too. what's wrong with the 19th of september? 190904.

sleep tite everyone. i have to wake up ina few hours to go to work. hope life aint as draggy anymore. gd nite people. i love you all. i hope the sun dont drown us all tomorrow. wake up happy dear. i'll see u another day. smile k? *hugs*

you[190904,0215hr] hey you.. look who made the cover? hehe. anyway, was just thinking of the better times we had together. dedicate this design to you. wanted to use ur favourite font but i still think Arial is nicer. hehe. sorry. :D i shall not dwell too much on the past as then it might come back. been long since we met. kinda miss u, girl. good to know ur busy with work and really doing well with stuff. :) really wish u all the best for this whole year. i believe in you. highlight white.. :D you will always be in my heart. be it how weak it gets and even if it dies. i'll always have that lil room for you to cmoe inside. :) *mwacksz* love you, honey. ~bunny

go to sleep[140904,2354hr] i know i should be sleeping but i cant get this fucked up feelign otu of my mind. why the hell am i going for younger and yougner girls? hahah. not to say i'm a paedophile but hey, the correct term for peadophile: u have to be minimum 5 years apart and she has to be below 13 years of age. hah. i'm no paedophile. dont believe me? go check it out. haha whatever it is, i so wish i was 19 now. or 18. ahha. thing is they think i'm 19. i'm 22 fyi. i dont feel like 22 btw. i dont wanna be 22. but i wanna be young at heart. people just dont understand my concept of life. maybe not a lot do. but there's the certain few who do. and i treasure them all. :)

i'm wondering how japs can be so creative. i've always thought it was the genes. maybe i'm right. played soccer with my colleagues in camp and we have one guy of mixed nature i guess. takuya. jap + chinese i suppose. just by looking at him play soccer u can tell why japs are so creative. the passes, throws, the kicks.. it's liek he preplanned them to be that way. it's liek he knew what's he gonna do next. how the ball's gonna go. wow. creativity just with a soccer ball. amusing. it's as though he had this connection with all the players instantaneously. amusing.

i'm no paedophile.

idol[090904,2235hr] bet tonnes of people who DIDNT vote arent happy about the results abt this week's round. well, but u know the ones with talents and the ones singaporean pick coz of the way the carry themselves. guys.. guys.. the talent still has to be there boy. ur missing the talent. what's being nice if u cant work it out? hmm.. i know a lot are relieved to see the ones who shoudl be winning the rounds back inthe game. but hey, i myself aint really a big fan of singapore idol. yeah. i didnt vote. but it's plain obvious who has talents and who dont. if i ever vote, it's not because i am so on abt this competition, it's because i wanna see mroe singaporeans OPEN their minds.. everyones' just too uptight about image nowadays. image over everything else. noone wants to look bad in front of others. the competition's filled with plastic words. they gotta filter that out. come on. how lame can singaporeans be. please dont make me say 'VERY'. i wanna see justice being serve. i wanna see how bad singapore will pick it's 'idol'. dont look up to the wrong people man. pick someone with quality not the quantity of plastic comments he or she makes. please. OPEN your mind.

empty[080904,1325hr]
i feel empty. i dunno. maybe it's time. maybe i need someone. get this pain out of my system. this time i dont wanna be numb.

next stop. marina bay.[060904,2252hr] been long since i sat down and just feel the cold wind blow across my face. next time we'll lie down. the day out with you was wonderful wonderful. couldnt imagine just sitting there at the padang could be so relaxing. long time since i felt that kinda peace. i need that more often. yupz.

i wanna say a lot of things that i am still organising in my head. shoosh. anyway, i had this sudden urge to study again. this time round.. psychology and sociology. :D crazy right? haha. but yeah. i think that interests me. and then i wanna teach. screw the kids' heads for a change. make them think and come up with better ideas. breed the entreprenuers of the world from primary sch. or secondary sch. learn them. teach them. apply them. bring out the best in them. or maybe i could turn the other way and breed my own army of the twelve monkeys. hmmmmmm..

the day might have ended.. but this feeling could still be hanging on for a couple of days. weeks? months? hmmm..

the sexes[010904,2310hr] was out with my cousin just now. messaged a gazillion people and only one or two BOTHERED to reply. guess people are very very very very busy these days. what to do. then i'll just stop bothering to ask these people out anymore. they feel i left them out. their problem. dont make it mine. thing is i didnt. u did.

anyway, besides that fact, we bumped into this group of lesbians and butches. of course u'd see the couple and u can tell who's the passive and who's the active. but i have one question for them couples. do they quarrel? do they fight? do they break up? if the answer is yes, what's so different abt being in a relationship with the opposite sex? you quarrel too. yeah.. sometimes u fight. and of course breaking up gives u a whole lot of pain. does breaking up with the same sex gives you less pain coz u know you can always like a guy? then why bother changing your preference in the first place? if ur talking abt sex, what can you get from the same kind as you? satisfaction? how? maybe u guys could write a book abt it. then there wouldnt be any problems with men satisfying you all. i'm sure guys would love to find out the reason they're probably not doing right. and if u think it's because this way it's platonic.. then tell me u've never made out. well, out of curiosity, i'd love to listen to the differences. someone please.. enlighten me.

early morning wake up[010904,0630hr] very early and i'm already at work. been like this the past few days. think it'll follow. they have a comp here in the main waiting area. think it's good. coz people wait much too long ard here sometimes. just feeling crappy last night. couldnt do much stuff. wanted to sleep early but ended up sleeping at 12. still late. i swear it's useless sleeping early. someone tell me to sleep at 9 today. i wanna wake up fresh. or maybe my body's takign in too much sleep. well, been a long long time since i had a really good sleep. cant remember the last time but i know how the feeling was like. abt love, well, smoetimes u just feel like giving it all up. stresses of the human mind. and i succumb to it. hold my bloody hand coz only til then u'll feel the tangle of my veins, the warmth of my blood i'm giving away to you.

top 10 reasons why i'd rather stay in my own apartment.[310804,2154hr] 1. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
2. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
3. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
4. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
5. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
6. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
7. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
8. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
9. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.
10. my bro hogs the comp and when i get home to use it in the evening, he gives this pissed off attitude like he hadnt used it for the whole fucking month.

i swear if he doesnt change his fucking attitude, he'll live thru hell later. no use telling him off. he'll just do it all over again. that's why sometimes i dont bother to entertain his stupid fucked up face. he thinks he's the king ard the house. doesnt even appreciate people's efforts. dont even know when my parents says "not now. no cash. gaji lum masuk.". yeah. he'll give the stupid fucked up face and that i am king attitude. i swear it bugs me like hell. tried talking nicely. tried a punch in the face. tried shouting. tried a whole lot of things. someone tell me his fucking problem? what's wrong with my brother? why is he so fucked up? i wonder what else does it take to change this fuck. i swear he's getting on my nerves. fucking irritating.

one question[310804,0721hr] sudden thoguht in my head on the way to work today. i wanna know what people think as well. i'm still thinking of a gd question to ask. if you can ask God ONE question, what would that question be?

simplicities[310804,0012hr] pissed was the word i'd use today. someone made me wait and i blew. made me feel like a freaking fool waiting at the playground for so long. could've told me abt your condition earlier right? nvm. put that aside. i just dont like to be made a fool. cant tolerate that anymore.

kinda bumped into huda on the way home from my run just now. so we sat down for a lil chat, a chocolate flavoured yan yan biscuit sticks for her and a can of pocari sweat for me. miss her a lot. pleases my heart to see her happy and all. anyway, she's my lil sister. dont think of stupid shit stuff ok? i'm still single. still available. except maybe for this coming week coz i'm temporarily taken. hehe. *winks* haha. she's my angel i tell you. that's why i love her soooooo much. hehe.

a short moment before i met her, i come to notice this instant whereby a bangladeshi worker (probably just came back from out) was locking his bike. i mean bike as in bicycle - bike. anyway, his gesture touched me. somehow. there he was looking at his very outdated, probabaly custom made, white bike gleaming against the yellow light from the lamppost he secured it to. you know how when u were young and you had this toy u like most and u would clean it or u would keep it.. sometimes u'd even just put it there and take a look at it from far? same exact look on his face.. so happy. fulfilled. proud. when was the last time we had to feel that way? yeah. wow. u feel it too right? :)

thank you life for making it really hard at times for me to live thru you.[270804,2246hr]

lonely, hurt and unattended to.[260804,2356hr] happen to stumble upon an RGS' girl's blog. didnt know she was from RGS til i saw the top picture load.. and then the number 1 in front of her class. maybe they've decided to start sec 4 with a 1 in front id unno but you could tell from her words she's no normal sec 1 kid. gosh. i thought the person was from poly or something. no wonder they're that highly rated. or maybe it's my lack of concentration to pay attention to details playing with me again. where was i when i was in sec one? thought to ponder. hmmm...

talking abt lack of concentration and all, i've rest my case a lllooooooong looooooong time ago i have a disability to sit behind a counter and talk and answer calls. like an information counter. like a receptionist. i can only do one thing at one time. soooo freaking hard to juggle 2 or 3 different people at one go. proves the male's simple single tasking mind. for mine at least. bad things today at work. mistakes happen like it's meant to happen. still new at it but i gave it my best shot. very bad best shot.

after my short run just now ard my enighbourhood, i stopped and sat down at the fitness corner and looked ard me. stared at the sky. the trees. reslised how nice it was to just sit there and feel the peace ard me. so grateful for that. realised something else too. the next few people passing by the place were ALL couples. the people near the place were ALL couples. what the hell was that? haha. then i felt a bit lonely. i saw a happy couple. one couple quarrelling. another married. i think. but u can tell. one sittign down after a tired day at work to catch up on things. lovely. and i'm in the middle of the world alone. sweaty. soaked. and about to regurgitate every single damn thing in my stomach back to earth. i need some loving too. but i dont wanna hurt anybody. and i dont want anybody to hurt me. i'll give her my all. as long as she gives what she can. and understand. or i'll just leave finding my gf to my mum. :P

psychic connection?[250804,0027hr] well, a very close friend called me up about an hour ago. walking to her on the fone after so long. haha. actually i was just waiting for her to call me coz i've got free incoming. wahahha. kidding. hehe. well, we talked abt our days and she told me she went jogging. i was like WUH? that's been long. haha. and so have i started my runs too. amusing. haha. same time.. same things.. just that i wonder how we are so connected. still amuses me. not that all, she wanted to go swimming today. guess what? i went swimming today but instad she went running with her bf coz he wanted to run. argh! ahha. yeah. and i go on and on abt the two of us are just made for each other. haha. that'll be the joke of THIS century. ahhah. anyway, i should be sleepign now. fucking tired. fuckign exhausted. gd nite. sleep tite dear. i luv you too. hehe. *hugz*

down[240804,2234hr] not feeling too well today. mentally and physically. physically. tired. mentally. stressed out. takign a break tomorrow. hope it's not gonna be a really bad day. hope thigns go fine all the way. realised i've always been typing my Ns and my Gs in INGs as IGNs. stupid fingers cant type right.

i'm still bothered by this someone who thinks he's so much better than others. freaking lame fuck. most of the time i just dont bother entertaining him or i'll just change the subject. i bet noone's listening to him talk anyway. so self absorbed. bet he doesnt realise it. poor fella. u cant go on makign friends like that bro. wake up. *hopeless*

i'm too tired to write anythign good these days. head's totally fucked. been long since i've been rubbed on the head like a lil kid. been really long since i ahd someone make me feel like a lil toddler still tryign to take his first few steps. long time since i've got someone making me feel so.. kucing. *manja* but i like it. even though it wasnt like how it used to be. but i appreciate it dear. *hugs* i think that's what i've been longing for. how i always whine about missing that feeling of having someone.. yeah. not only abt taking care of someone but also that someone taking care of me. i miss it a lot. need someone to soothe my aches, soothe my mind. haaa.. *sigh* where are you when i want you?

under the stars[230804,2257hr] work's getting in between good and bad at the same time. down side.. the time we sit and stand ard doing nothing but read and 'educate' ourselves with medical terms and symptoms. good side? the lil bastard who's actually a lil child inside. haha. i swear he's craving for attention all the damn time. funny. loves to joke but kinda scary soemtimes. especially wehn u dunno if he's joking or serious. but nevermind. i'll get used to it. still got lots more weeks to go.

i'm losing my head these days. been really out of sleep. i can sleep while i stand. how bad is that? yeah. i gotta sleep early. now is already late btw. haha. had a short run with a friend today. thought it was good. :) tomorrow's your game. swimming. gotta keep fit. just dont overwork it, wan. soemtimes i wonder how many out there are sincere abt their words everyday. i think i am lil backstabber but i cant help it sometimes. especially if someone gets on your nerves. i swear someone's out there to find my faults. on purpose. giving comments and always doign things ahead of me FOR HIMSELF and BY HIMSELF. he forgot one thign everythign he does it. OTHERS. so smile. wont be long before i go away from here. cheerios. enjoy ur fucked up life. :)

PM speech[230804,0007hr] whole day was boring til i got to listen to PM's speech. really made my day. but when i think again, i feel like singaporeans are too pampered in a sense. maybe it's economically structural for us to be very very very busy with our lives.. but there's others out there in the world doing more than what we are doing. maid issues. family issues. singlehood. amusing. now it's a 5 day work week. i totally appreciate that. haha. well, they're really on for people to have children. he himself said it's gonna be hard.. but if we can afford to have 3 kids it's good enough to maintain the population situation here. yeah. definitely hard. some are even struggling at one. he also talked abt broken marriages amongst the malay community. that's what i think too. u see tooooo many young couples out there already with kids and u even wonder if the guy's financially ready. really showed us a bad face. well, anyway, PM really got some issues out and settled it fine. hopefully things will be better in the long run since the creative industry is coming out here. :)

before i log off, just wanna tell u guys i got my diploma. which i thought was rather disappointing. yeah. my grades suck. that's one. but what i feel abt owning the piece of printed paper is that they should have made it at least look like somehting we'd say.. wow.. and finally i've gotten this thing!. but no. some simple thing that doesnt even look nice. maybe they should get me to design the diploma. make it look soemthing new. make it out of silver or something. anyway, had a gd time listening to the speech. now i'm gonna dwell on what i'm doing next week. :)

girl, why do i run away?[190804,2238hr] something i noticed about me since my last relationship. everytime i have this feeling for someone, i'd run away subconsciously. without realising. i'll keep this long time away from any contact with the person. am i scared? fear of another heartbreaker? maybe. maybe i'm afraid. afraid to hurt myself again. thru pain comes the good things. yeah. i believe that. but i cant do that now. love has a habit of falling at the wrong places.. at the wrong time. see. i do this all the time. why do i run away? deny this heart full of sorrow. go.

do dreams come true?[160804,2245hr]

have u ever built sand castles in the sky?
have u seen that rainbow coloured choo-choo train whistling by?
have u dreamt of being on top of the mountain way up high?
have u thought of eating a 50feet wide apple pie?
these words may be the simplest of words to hear
but the ones u thought of when ur so young, my dear.

the castles, the trains, the mountains, the pies..
reminds me of how much we've lost our lives.
to think abt the dreams we've thought wasnt true
to finally see one in front of you..
everything u imagined, everything you knew
reality check.
still standing there in front of you.
-WaN

tomorrow.[150804,2252hr]
tomorrow is another day but it's gonna be another new experience for me. wonder how things are going to be.. hoep things go well ont he first day. come to think of it. i havent took down the details for tomorrow man. yeah. go down to pasir laba and then get lost there. nice going. thank you blog writing. i'll go do it now.

ok done. got some designs done for my band's website today. right now it's under construction but to get u into a feel of it, it's 'under construction' page is here. (www.kdjlife.cjb.net)haha. blimey. cant get some of the html working even though i've double checked it tonnes. dunno where i went wrong. still doing the website. hopefully it'll be up soon. :) still have yet to do Seventy3's webby. urgh. *guilty*

i'm trying to get some of the contact numbers from a few people i lost touch for quite sometime after my bmt days. if any of you happen to stumble upon here, i'm looking for you. i kinda broke my fone when ur numebrs are still in there. couldnt get it out. so i've got a new number and a new fone. hope i get back all of you. see you guys soon. i needa sleep. way past bedtime. early morning tomorrow. gd nite peepz. and huda dear.. all the best tomorrow.. :) i'll be there if u need me. msg me ya? hehe. *hugs*

turning better[150804,0359hr] today was a good day. i miss some people. get to meet them. happy enough. enjoyed myself. i like feeling like i had to take care of someone. dont ask me why. is it everybody or is it just me? but i love her. like a sister. like a friend. to whoever, trust her. dont worry abt me. the line that holds me is clearly printed in front of me. so please. dont see me as a threat. i'm noone compared to you. i love to see her happy. and i'm sure u do too.

still hurting.[140804,0258hr] realised i've been feeling like shit the past few days. well not all but at least i think i've finally realised what i'm worried abt.. and why i'm always looking depressed. yeah. now we know. it's this feeling of insecurity in me abt the future. so insecure. not like the people who's life are already leading the way it should go. i just feel insecure abt my future. it doesnt help when u know ur ex's dating this guy who's like smart and all. and i had to repeat my poly for 1.5yrs before they decided to let me go. i know i hate comparing things. well, right now i cant help it. yeah. you may say i'm always someone different. he's different. but what light has it shone on me? who looks better? i'm sick and tired of having to live with ideals. i wish i dont have to. wrote out a song with shitty lyrics. hope i get to play it soon. i dunno. i just feel like shit now. dirt. let's just hope this sleep will do me good. i wanna take some more pills tonight. yeah. that'll be nice. wake me up tomorrow, people. gd nite. slp tite.

in pain[140804,0054hr]

girl?[140804,0036hr] on my way back home today, i called up my friends, fai, saf, asking them if they wanna go out and bum. thing is we bumped into hazz. well, and her new guy. kinda. i dunno. but whatever. someone new is someone new. not that i'm disturbed about it. i was ok. too hyper drunk to know what's going on. only now when everythign's settled, u'll feel the shitness of it all. it sucks to see your ex comfy with someone else ey? i mean in front of u. to think that u were once there. how she fucked u up. how she got fucked up. and how she's all grown up now and learnt a lot more from her mistakes. in other words a better person. but look at poor me. probabaly just gonna end up with another girl who'll just dump me again. and the cycle starts all over again. it's not that i am desperate for a girl. i just see like everyone else is moving somewhere in their lives.. but where am i? nowhere to say the least. u might say i'm in the army shit like that but u've got people who's younger than you asking you when's your ord date. fuck. how far back am i man? does it feel any better to know people are so much better than u. and u cant think of any thing ur worth better at? urgh. sometimes i wish i could be all alone stuck in a room. live in my own world. live in my own street. someone help me. where's the comfort that i need?

my life.[110804,2246hr] sometimes i envy people who are able to go to universities or those who have a life pathed out for them right in front of their faces. that's when u start thinking about YOUR own life. the life not pathed out right. u think. where do we go from here? what shall we do in a few years time. well, some has talent and they used that to their advantage. maximise. the ones with the brains go learn higher shit. those with money. same thing. those who are in the middle always get caught. i've always thought abt what i wanna do in my life. how i'm gonna raise it up but u know it's never how u always planned it out to be. same goes with anything. what talent do i have? what good points? i cant see myself. saw this design on a shirt. head blown off by a gun but the blood turns to butterflies. maybe death will only give u freedom.

let's see what i can do. i cant act, i cant sing, i cant dance. i dont have the passion for drawing. i can do designs but no flare. what else am i good in? writing? no. i need a fucking life. dont ask me to sign on the army please. even if i think i'll do ok there. i'm so afraid i'm not gonna live up to it. i get bored easily. please please please. make up your mind wan. i'm still wondering waht my dream job would be. seriously, i dont see myself in the army. maybe open up a small cafe.. cosy with lotsa pillows and a small lil library for people to just sit down enjoy their coffee or drink and read.. relax. chill out. yeah. and money fall from the sky. sometimes i wish i could just forget abt being on earth. focus my life on the afterlife til the day i die. maybe work with a mosque be part of the committee. change the way everything operates. make it a whole new experience without breaking any rules yet comply to barriers. majukan orang islam singapura. somehow that sounds like a fine idea. but i've gotta move myself first. i'm far from knowledgable. besides that i just wanna be a shepherd in some grassland. live goat. sleep goat.

bunny[110804,0840hr] it's been long since i heard that word. hits a very soft spot in me. how many girl friends i've got, none has reached that soft spot like u did. i admit. noone has ever been that deep within me. none has gone that far. when i dont call, when i go away for a long time before i say hi.. if u know me that well, u know what i'm trying to do. dont think i dont miss you. i do. this feeling returns often. all i'm trying to do is push it away. do u think i'm doing the right thing? or am i doing it wrongly? u tell me. as they say mind over matter, baby. hope to see u soon. take care meanwhile. :)

cut'e[110804,0102hr] haha. mushy sia. haha.

me and you[110804,0025hr] went out with someone today. someone really dear to me. :) had a good day, girl. had a really nice time with u. :) anyway, we sat down and had dinner and started to talk abt past relationships and the faults. our faults. their faults. sometimes i think back and i wonder how much things have changed. anyway, we talked abt how we're so alike in some ways. no. she's not someone i'm after. my line stops here. hehe. they'll never understand right? anyway, what i found amusing is that we're so alike when it comes to doing things. attitude wise i guess. i realised something. we realised something. we're perfectionists. how is that possible? look at us. we're like partners in crimes. haha. but she's this lovely lil girl to me. i realise i talk alot of crap too. ahha. i luuuuuurrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvveeeeee you, my baby girl.. hehe.. u'll always be on my mind. heee.. :)

on a gd day..[090804,1417hr]
probably somethign i came up with last night sitting down and nothing to really actually do. made a wallpaper out of the angel i drew. and this poem came up in my head. reminded me of my ex. but nvm. what's worst is someone had to talk abt hot indon faggots. whatever. today's not gonna pull me down. i'm off to town get some stuff and i'm armed with a shooter today. we'll get things done right this time. i can smell it.

bleed my sorrows, sweet angel.
pain is numb. just leave the wounded be.
how does it feel sitting on my words?
sitting on me? you'll never know.
coz you are just to blind to see.
-me

always.[080804,2313hr] make my day sweet angel. u always do. i wonder how u do it. it always turns out this way. ur always the one i dream of ur always the one so near yet so far away. keep close, pull back. shift gear. i'm turning sappy. cut the crap, wan.

the day u start thinking straight.[080804,2128hr] disappointment is the word to describe yesterday. everythign seemed wrong. sick, nose running, no chicks, wrong plans. urgh. should have looked elsewhere.

i still cant get sat and sunday noons. they get on my nerves all the time. it's either u go out and not bum or u dont and be a coach potato. nothing's really up on tv, the sun's always high up, u switch ur comp on and u find very little people. what's up with that? everything seems damn slow. spent this afternoon sleeping on the bus ride back. so damn bloody tired. slept all the way til the end.damn boring day.

my parents have been asking me why i've been looking very moody these days. something i cant answer myself. i'd be please if anybody could answer that for me. sometimes i think it's because of my posting. but after much thought, i dont think so. what abt signing on the army? or what happens after army? i've got 2 years to think.. so why be depressed abt it now? well u cant really say that coz i wont get depressed abt that. i'll be worried. not depressed. maybe it's the loneliness. just maybe. but cmon.. seriously. i've got tonnes of friends ard me i live with every day. maybe i'm beginning to live by myself. do the things adults do. growing too fast i swear.

oh yeah.. just in case people, u didnt catch my recruitment ad.. it's below the tagboard. check it out. spread it ard. anybody interested step forward please. the more the merrier. hehe.

i found this book abt QUEUEING theory. basically, it's just probabilities, complicated mathematical formulas, shit god knows what else just to explain why we have to wait and queue. in my terms, i'd just say world's not perfectly round, boy. nothing's exactly square. nothing's perfect at all. the world's full of irregularities. why the fuck we need to count the irregularities i have got no fucking idea. bored people with nothing to do i swear.

finally to end this entry, i'd like to say i dont get why schools want their students to study maths and sciences and shit and all. history. geography. i mean i learnt that too but i think it's already 80%-90% gone somewhere not in my head. i mean they say history is important coz we learn from the past. i mean.. u learn thru your experience or someone else's experiences, u've got a problem.. u've found a solution. what's with memorising the fucking dates? all u need is a solution to a problem. just fucking remmeber the solution to the problem. no big deal. u'll save the world in less than 5 mins if u can do that. superman.

before that i havent touched on the subjects u learn in sec sch again. unless ur son or daughter says she wants to be a mathematician or scientist or chemist or some biological goegraphical thing, i'd perfectly understand the concept of studying the subjects. i hardly believe anyone wants to be a mathematician these days. go ask ur brothers or ur sisters or ur sons or ur daughters. i bet no single one of them wants to be in any of those positions. most of us are still clueless. even when ur this old. aged 22. having problems with ur knees coz of excessive wanking. i'm still clueless and thinking of my future. future? clueless? forever.